Being a Good Ally
Language matters. Learning common phrases, questions and words to adopt and to avoid can help you be a more supportive ally to trans people in your family and community.
Language to Adopt and Avoid
| Don’t Use These | Use These |
|---|---|
| Transgenders/transgendered/transgenderism | Trans person/trans man/trans woman |
| Transsexual/Transsexualism | Transgender |
| Transgender as a noun (ex. he is a transgender) | Transgender as an adjective (ex. he is transgender) |
| Gender Incongruence/Gender Identity Disorder/Body Dysmorphia/Gender Incontinence | Gender Dysphoria |
| Preferred pronouns/preferred gender | Pronouns/gender; True/correct pronouns/gender. Being trans isn't a choice, and using the language of “preferred” takes away the importance of addressing someone correctly. |
| "tr*nny" | *THIS IS A SLUR AND SHOULD NEVER BE USED BY SOMEONE WHO IS NOT TRANSGENDER* |
| Biological male/biological female | Sex isn't the same as gender; using language about biology is a tactic to "other" and dehumanize trans people; refer to gender identity unless otherwise specified based on a trans person's comfortability. |
| “ladies and gentlemen,” “men and women,” “boys and girls” | Such phrases should be avoided, as they isolate many trans and nonbinary people. While there’s not a direct gender-neutral phrase that can replace these, broader phrases such as “everybody,” “all people,” or “children” may work to replace these in some contexts. |
Questions to Avoid
| Avoid Asking These Questions | Reason |
|---|---|
| What is your real name? | The name that a trans person has chosen is their real name, not the name they were assigned at birth. Most trans people are uncomfortable sharing their name given at birth, but if they do share it, it's crucial that you don't call them that name. Instead of inquiring about their birth name, avoid the topic altogether. |
| Have you had "the" surgery? | Regardless of whether someone is transgender or not, it's seen as offensive and improper to ask about their genitals. A trans person's surgical status is private information, and it's inappropriate to inquire about. |
| When did you become transgender? | Being trans is something that is innate within a person, and not something someone "becomes" over time. Instead, ask "when did you begin your transition?" Or even "when did you realize you were trans?" |
| How do you have sex? | A person's intimate sexual life should be left private to them, regardless of whether or not that person is trans. |
How to approach learning experiences
We live under a system of power where we're conditioned to behave a certain way with regards to gender and sex, and as such, mistakes are bound to be made. That's okay! It's a vulnerable process to learn something new and mess up every now and then in the process of unlearning all that's been taught about gender identity. However, it's important to stay open to correction. Here are some ways to respond to corrections that communicate your intention for learning more:
- The most important thing you can do is listen to a trans person. When speaking to a trans person about their life/trans topics in general, it's important that you give them the proper attention they deserve. Instead of interrupting or interjecting your own opinions, listen to what they have to say. While you have an idea about what being trans means, they have a lived experience and wisdom with trans issues. Trans people face the discrimination in front of them every day, and it's important to give them respect for those experiences and knowledge.
- When corrected about someone's name or pronouns, don't be overly apologetic. If you made an honest mistake, there's no need to apologize. Instead of apologizing and explaining why you messed up or how hard it is to learn, it's most effective to say "thank you" and continue the conversation with the correction in mind. By doing this, you communicate that you respect the person with you, and you don't get caught up in your own personal excuse narrative.
- When asking questions, make sure you ask a trans person if asking questions about their identity/trans issues is okay with them first. While your continued process of learning is important, not every trans person has the capacity to be a part of that process.
- You may accidentally ask an inappropriate question, and that's okay too! If someone shares that they're uncomfortable answering a certain question, respect that choice and move forward. If they're comfortable answering why that question is inappropriate, feel free to ask and learn more.
Remember that trans people are not monolithic – there are many differences among people within the trans community. Just like cisgender (non-transgender) people, the trans community includes people from various political parties, religions, races or ethnicities, etc. Trans people will differ in their level of comfort with these questions or their opinions on topics, which is why it's always important to ask rather than just assume!
